Charlene

03:11 am: I was 17 when my 40 year old mother died, I think even then i was too young to really understand what was going on. Friday, when I walked into that dark dingy hospital i had the craziest memories. Walking down the dimly lit hallways reminded me of all the tests my mom used to go for and if they were anything like the ones i had on friday, i wasn't nearly as supportive as I should have been. Before the cancer, she was diagnosed with MS and multiple other things that i will probably never know about. As i walked through the hospital it hit me, i could eventually be as sick as she was.

10:12 pm: all i need now is a helmet
I bought a bike today, anyone want to take bets on how long it takes for me to get hurt?

05:14 pm: gardening guru
I just planted a garden... well two pots. in one i planted gerber daisies, petunia and some other strange looking flower. in the other pot i planted cherry tomatoes and red peppers... who wants to take bets on whether or not i will actually get tomatoes or peppers? i highly doubt i will, but a girl can dream can't she?

I made it back safe and sound from the great west... and i realized Edmonton is not for me, although it's awesome and i have decided i am definitely getting married in the mountains... it's not my home.

I had some amazing things happen to me out there, i fell in love. Remembering made me really sad while i was there, and that was pretty hard to have to deal with again. But there isn't a whole lot i can do about that.

The other thing i realized was that no matter what i can survive on my own,I managed to build my life out there. i had a job, friends, a life. and while i really don't want to have to do that again, i could if for some reason i had too.

It's good to be home. I like my little apartment. i like my friends. i like my little life

06:05 pm: oh thank god
thank god it is over... i have been in Kananaskis for the last 10 days in pure hell. consultants are the worst... we had many problems, first we were over booked at the hotel, then our shuttles weren't showing up, then a woman had to be rushed to the hospital that is 50 minutes away to have her appendix removed. i have been yelled at, talked about, and glared at. i got the " don't you understand how valuable my time is?" and while one woman was yelling at me she told me not to take it personally, i wanted to spit in her face. i of course didn't. on the bright side, It is BEAUTIFUL here. today was the first day i got to walk around, take pictures and enjoy it. I leave tomorrow for a weeks vacation in Edmonton. I can't wait. it will be strange to be back, but it's something i really want and need to do. I have decided i want to get married here. now all i gotta do is find the groom. i wouldn't start packing your bags anytime soon for the nuptials...

Of course not everyone at the conference was terrible, it's too bad that the nasty ones drown out the really nice ones.

It wouldn't be a good story without me getting hurt... i was walking down the hallway after completing a 17 hour day... ( i have worked 153 hours in the last 2 weeks) and i walked straight into the corner of a wall, hit my head and bruised my arm. like a big black nasty bruise (my forehead made it out okay thank god).


okay i am done.

04:25 pm: so i have to have an EMG (Electromyography (EMG) measures muscle response or electrical activity in response to a nerve’s stimulation of the muscle. The test is used to help detect neuromuscular abnormalities. During the test, one or more small needles (also called electrodes) are inserted through the skin into the muscle). I am also scheduled for a muscle biopsy where the stick a needle into my back and take a piece of my muscle. Now does this sound like a good idea to anyone cause quite frankly it sounds extremely painful to me.

so i have have this thing where i can't lift my arms straight up above my head and i can't hold my arms out spread eagle. so after many years of hiding this i finally went to the doctor. and then i went to a specialist, and now i am going to yet another specialist to figure out what is wrong with me... the last specialist was throwing out terms like Lupus, fibromyalgia, muscular dystrophy... all terms that sound very scary and are even scarier when you read about them online. so i have stopped, i am not going to read anything until i am told what it is because last night was reading these stories about people with lupus and got totally freaked out.

that's my story.

and i have a really bad cold right now, working 11 hours a day and i leave tuesday for friggin' Kananaskis Alberta for work.

sheesh.

08:51 pm: Holy Moses, I've been burned like a cigarette...10 points for someone who can name that song
so i figured out today why i wasn't calling him. Cause i don't think i can handle rejection for the 5th time. I remember a long time ago he told me he got an email from an ex and was like, meh... i don't think i want to email her back. and well i don't think i want to be rejected all over again. It's one thing to think you have been replaced, it's a completely different thing to actually know it. about a month ago i had a revelation, and realized, while reading a good book that he wasn't calling,emailing,texting, writing letters, waiting outside my apartment, reading my livejournal to get a glimpse of me. because he moved on, was happy and sure probably thought of me from time but really was over it. and well thats okay.


I had an interview for a new company earlier this week, it would pay me 15,000 more dollars a year and give me some benefits...sweet i would totally be the only white female though, can you say token?

work sucks. someday i am going to find a job i love

I am going to coach 5 year old girls soccer team.


two steps forward and 10000 steps back with one bottle of wine. ha.

09:22 pm: Lately i have been feeling jipped, and then i feel bad about feeling that way - am I Canadian or what??

On Oprah the other day they had this mother that was dying of cancer - she had taped over 100 videos for her daughter, telling her what to do when she was gone, all the things she would have needed a mother for, how to talk to boys, where to go to school etc... what an amazing gift.

Then last night on Grey's Anatomy (and although it's not real life) the mother was dying of cancer and she was saying all the same things...

I didn't have that. or maybe i did, and i can't remember... what if i can't remember?? its terrible when memories start to get foggy, it isn't fair - isn't it bad enough you don't have the real thing? why can't i just remember.

Things i wish i could forget i totally can't and the things i would give anything - see - jipped

02:12 pm: So i am thinking of coaching kids soccer this summer and on the website it says that as an incentive you get your own rope pen, practice pylons and whistle... COUNT ME IN, you had me at free rope pen...

09:32 pm: I AM SO BORED - so bored that I am going to check my work laptop - on a saturday. at 9:30. I am a LOSER.

10:30 pm: can someone please explain to my why a room air freshener requires a micro chip... A MICRO CHIP - for an air freshener - what is this world coming to.

08:35 pm: k so my boss goes to me today - you can do MY 2 hour presentation tomorrow- on your own. Right? and the right wasn't so much a question of whether or not i could do, it was a you ARE doing this presentation. so i am shitting my pants. i am sure it will go fine because they are all new hires and they won't know that i am moron... or maybe they could...dear god. so right now i am frantically trying to learn this presentation. can i just say i don't particularly enjoy my boss... but the direct of human resources thinks i am the shit... she told someone she thought i was great and was thinking of expanding my role and wants to meet with me... i am not sure how much expansion i can handle - but hey i will try it. its good she knows who the heck i am.

09:03 pm: This weekend was great, i was so productive. I finally changed my alberta plates and alberta driver's license... i am offically an ontario citizen... then i did my taxes.

08:18 am: Can you remember exactly what you were doing 1 year ago today? I can.

07:33 pm: So for the last month or so my horoscope from the star has predicted that things will be getting better and that better days are almost here. Its just a funny theme that i have been noticing lately. I am sure i am just reading what i want into the horoscope but still it strikes me as a bit odd. Here is a sample:

Feb 15:

In order to give yourself some sense of control over the various problems that you face, you have adopted a somewhat defensive frame of mind. You really do need to relax under pressure or you will be too tense to benefit from the week's big astrological advantage.

Feb 16:

Inventive people are rarely, if ever, satisfied with themselves. Your current misgivings are excessive, but they are teaching you something important.

Feb 17:

There is a natural law that dictates that everything must sooner or later change. Troughs inevitably rise up to peaks. Sadness turns to happiness. The weight on your shoulders has already started to lighten. You'll soon be smiling.

Feb 18:

If you are still disturbed about a particular person or an unfair development, do your best to let go of your irritation. The mounting crescendo will reach a happy denouement. It's working out in the best possible way.

Feb 19:

In order to fully understand the complexity of a recent scenario, you need to do some careful contemplation. It's no good accepting just one person's side of this story. You're about to discover a whole different viewpoint

Feb 20:

Some problems will eventually go away if you ignore them, others won't. It's hard to categorize your current dilemma. You may not realize it, but you have the resources to get the better of this one.

Feb 21:

Significant improvement, in a least one key area, is imminent. And it's where you most urgently need it. So don't let up now. You are nearly there.



see i am nearly there... I want to be there now please. STOP THE RIDE. I'D LIKE TO GET OFF.

04:12 pm: make me a witness
So i made it home safe and sound last night from london both physically and emotionally exhausted. I have never experienced an entire week in my life like that. I have never been so unsure of my intelligence and my skills in my life. I have never made so many mistakes before.

But it's over. Well no, it will follow me around for quite sometime and i will have to re-prove myself at work, which i am not looking forward to...

BUT LAST NIGHT - Kerry and I went to the airport to pick up Brandee, Darren and Keith(coming back from Cuba) Their flight was an hour late and we were there early so we sent a good 2.5 hours at the airport bored out of our minds. Finally we left and we were going to take the 401 home but missed the exit so decided to take Gardiner... so there we are driving along - and all of sudden Darren yells "oh my god" and starts to slow down, pulls over and Kerry, Brandee and Darren are getting out of the car. I am in the very back seat of the van not sure what the hell is going on. I look over and there is a car smoking and totaled to the left of me... Apparently what had happened is she was driving in the far right lane and suddenly swerved so bad that she cut across all the lanes and hit the guard rail on the left. Luckily we were second behind her instead of beside her, and there weren't any other cars coming. Luckily she got out of the car, was bleeding all over the place but seemed to be okay. Kerry said she though she smelled alcohol... WHO DRINKS AND DRIVES STILL? I just don't understand. Is that drink really worth your life?

Now if the flight had been on time we wouldn't have been there, if we hadn't missed the 401 we wouldn't have been on the gardiner and if we had been driving just a little faster we would have all needed some serious medical attention. Isn't it crazy how things happen and we really have noooo control over it.

i think i'd like some control please.

09:45 pm: My dad has 24 more days at work. 24 more days to retirement can you imagine? It would be so nice to be there already. not forever but just for a couple days to see how everything turns out. Like would all the stuff that matters more than anything in the world mean anything at all. Probably not. I don't think i would wanna be 53 forever but for a week just to see and gain some perspective?

09:18 pm: No pain. No gain... god help me
oh. my. god.

I just took a stability ball class at my gym and i think I think I might actually be dying... or i might have to have my legs amputated... our instructor scared me, she had a thick russian (maybe) accent and she kept screaming at us... what a good work out though, i am going to have the best thighs and ass in town pretty soon. I have had 3 great workouts so far this week. It feels good, except of course when i breathe - that hurts A LOT.

08:51 am: All i can do is try...
Scorpio (Oct. 24 — Nov. 22)

A crucial viewpoint is about to undergo a major rethink. What you thought would never change will begin to change. An unpleasant chapter in your life is coming to an end.

09:17 pm: GIVE ME 6 MONTHS
Mon Jan 30: New Moon
The relentless desire to change is paramount and whilst it is still quite difficult for your communications to be understood regarding how you desire these long-term changes to transpire, today you begin the process. You are neither happy nor sad; you just appreciate the bigger picture and will push forth regardless of the input of others. You are generous and kind, imaginative yet quiet preferring to seek alternative forms of emotive release rather than discussions and affection.


just give me 6 months, the new Charlene is on the way...

09:51 pm: doesn't everyone want to be missed when they are gone?